How To Deal With The Other Woman

After the discovery of your husband’s affair, your whole world literally crumbles. Everything you ever believed in about love and marriage are shaken to the core and most of the time even stripped from you. It takes a lot of self-reflecting to figure out what you now believe and if you think reconciliation is even fathomable after such a devastating blow.

It is difficult enough when you do decide to work through this with your husband, you now have all of these issues to deal with on top of the issues that led your relationship to the vulnerability of an affair. But what makes it even harder is that you have to deal with his OW/AP. If you’re lucky, she walks away and leaves you two alone to move on to her next lover. Most Betrayed Spouses (BSes) aren’t fortunate enough to have it this easy. So I have decided to write a post on how to handle the OW/AP if she continues to keep herself involved in your life.

1. Do not contact her. It is in your best interest to not invite her into any part of your recovery. If you go to her seeking answers to your questions, it may backfire. She may see this as an opportunity to further destroy your relationship by telling lies about the details of the affair with your husband. Or she may withhold information from you. Either way, this gives her power over what you know. This makes her feel like she can determine the fate of your marriage.

2. If she contacts you, do not engage her. This goes along with #1. If she contacts you, do as I did and just thank her for the information. This does not open the floor for her to divulge details of the affair or to feel as though she has your side. Sometimes the OW/AP may hope that you – the BS – will side with her and trash your husband because of what he did and how he dishonored both of you. She is just adding fuel to the fire and it is unnecessary and destructive to the healing process. Her relationship with your husband was unhealthy to begin with irregardless of what he promised her. She never had a chance at anything solid with him when what he had with her was created out of deception and lies.

3. Remove her from your life in every way possible. If she was a friend, remove her from Facebook and any other social media. In fact, just go ahead and block her so there is no possibility of her seeing your page and contacting you. If she has your husband’s phone number, change his number and all numbers that she may have. Create new email accounts as well. If she was a co-worker, perhaps it is time to consider working for a new company or move to a new office elsewhere in the company that would limit or eliminate contact with her. If you have the means, move to another city. Transplanting yourself really helps to remove you from any geographical triggers that you or your husband may have once you begin your recovery. This is what my husband and I did….we moved 2 states and 630 miles away! I no longer have anxiety over where he may wind up working (this is how he screwed her).

4. Do not look her up to see how she is doing. Her business is none of your concern and does not aid in any way in making you feel better. It may have the opposite: you may see that she has moved on with her life and seems happy while you are stuck with all of these horrible triggers and difficult decisions about your marriage and recovery.

5. If she is persistent and insists on finding ways to contact you and harass you, inform her that you will not tolerate harassment and draw the line for her by telling her that you will pursue a No-Contact or Restraining Order if necessary. As I said, if you make it harder for her to find your contact info, this will help you to avoid having to take this route. But some OWs/APs are a little on the crazy side and may find ways around that.

6. And most importantly, make sure that your husband agrees to all of this and is willing to cut all contact with her himself. If he isn’t ready, then all efforts will be put forth to no avail and you will grow frustrated. Even though he is grieving his loss of her, he MUST understand how vital no contact is in order to move forward in repairing his relationship with you.

The OW/AP was nothing but a distraction – a temporary fix for the problems your husband identified in your marriage. Do not allow her words/thoughts/actions to divert you from your main objective: reconciliation with the person who matters to you. She was insignificant in your husband’s life as she was just a temporary fill-in until you both decided to recognize where things went wrong in your marriage; until you recognized the unmet needs in your relationship that led your marriage vulnerable to the possibility of an affair.

If you have any other questions or ideas you would like to see us discuss on our blog about the OW, please feel free to comment below or contact us directly!

Post was written by Wendy who is a Betrayed Spouse nearing one year after D-day.

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10 thoughts on “How To Deal With The Other Woman

  1. What should I do about my bf’s mom still talking to her? She insists that she only does because she feels slightly responsible for the whole ordeal. However, I am the mother of her grandchildren and the other woman was only an issue for about a month. I feel that she is not only betraying me, but my kids as well.

    • I agree and I think it is very disrespectful for her to continue speaking to the other woman! You are the victim here and you are also her daughter in law. Truthfully, the other woman is only speaking to your mother in law for one thing, and that is probably to keep tabs on YOUR husband. I don’t care what anyone else says, that is the reason.

    • That is a tough one. If the other woman has children by your significant other that could be a very difficult and stressful situation. Do you have any interaction with the her or the kid/kids? I would need to know a little more information in order to answer.

  2. I have 2 kids with my ex-husband. He is now remarried. On very rare occasions do I talk to his mom. And when I do it only has to do with her grandchildren. Now she may ask how my other kids are, but that’s as far as it goes. Even if they have kids it is disrespectful for the mil to talk to the ex on a regular basis. I feel that it would be disrespectful to her son as well. I know what it has done in my relationship. It caused some arguements between my bf and I. Even though I know he can’t control what his mother does. Its just been hard for me because we are still trying to fix our relationship.

  3. This is talking about if you’re trying to work things out with your Husband. What if he is living with her and she wn’t leave you alone when you have to contact your Husband? cause marie always sends text messages from his phone after I have sent him messages. she thinks she has a right or something.

  4. I don’t recommend this because you could wind up in jail, but here’s what my aunt did back in the late 70′s when her husband cheated and the other woman wouldn’t leave them alone.

    The woman actually got into a fight with my aunt, who has a mean left hook…she broke the bitch’s nose and knocked out 4 of her teeth. My aunt isn’t usually a violent person but she’d had enough of this woman fooling around with her husband. So that is one way to “confront” the other woman, although I advise against it.

    Some people say that it’s better not to confront the other woman. I say it depends on the situation. I know a lady who was actually confronted by the other woman while her husband was at work. Her door bell rang and when she opened the door, there was this woman with a little girl who was about 3 years old. It turned out that the woman knew he was married and decided to show up at their home…the little girl was his daughter, a product of the affair. He came home that night to find all of his stuff out on the lawn. His wife threw him out but took him back later. They are still married. He is close to his daughter with the other woman, but I don’t know if he has anything to do with the woman herself.

    I would have no problem confronting a woman if my husband were cheating on me. I would try to be calm about it and I would expect her to be honest with me. Knowing my husband, he wouldn’t want me to confront her but I would do it anyway. I wouldn’t do anything stupid, but there is no way I could let her slide, especially if she knew he was married. And I would tell her as sweetly as possible, in the words of country singer Loretta Lynn: “honey, you ain’t woman enough to take my man”.

  5. This is pretty sound advice as far as it goes (and, to this day, it was – and remains – mostly my strategy). However, what if your situation goes beyond that? What if 9, yes 9, years later, a ‘woman’ you have never actually met in your life is still trying to hunt you down and do you harm? What if you live thousands of miles away, on an entirely different continent, and you get your native country’s police force ringing you at your foreign office with laughably, demonstrably false allegations of home invasion and assault back in your home country? What if that ‘woman’ sends snail mail letters to 12 key people in your company along the bizarre lines of ‘Her husband had an affair, you should fire her’? What if just 2 weeks ago, she travelled thousands of miles to the country you’ve made your home for 9 years and tried to find you? What if there was nothing you could legally do about any of this due to different laws in different countries?

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