About 13 years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy I thought I loved more than anything. Granted we were both young, were partying way too much, and had absolutely no idea how to live life… but we got through it. We broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, “saw other people” “took breaks”, all this went on for about 6 or 7 years or so and no matter what somehow for some reason we would always end up back together and our relationship became one of those typical in any family. That on again off again, comfort zone of chaos that you just “really hoped” your brother or sister would one day wake up from and grow out of.
Well, one night I happened to swing by his place and found him in bed with another girl. Needless to say that comfort zone of chaos didn’t feel so comfortable after that, and I officially took my leave from that situation. Years go by now and recently we have started to have somewhat of a friendship again. It’s that comfort zone of chaos factor don’t think I don’t realize it myself… I do.
My life has been remarkably stable and fullfilled in recent years and as someone that grew up in a comfort zone of chaos… that was raised in constant chaos, to whom chaos alone had ever been the one true guide and teacher… without it sadly I don’t feel right. I know that I seek his chaos because it’s what I’m conditioned to… I get that… none the less all the Freudian revelations in the world can help me from liking it and I don’t know what to do. I could really just like to hear some opinions from someone else. I have been dying to talk to somebody about it but if anyone I cared about knew that I was talking to him again, and even trying to see him that conversation would turn into more trouble than it could ever be worth….