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SAHW Support…
https://shesahomewrecker.com/?p=136992

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I divorced my husband 12 years ago and infidelity was just one of many reoccurring issues. Our relationship was constantly suffering some state of turmoil or Event Horizon. I say our relationship and it almost makes me laugh considering A) We didn’t have one. & B) If we did I was never a part of it.  At least that’s how I saw it then… but TBH with you FATHER TIME⏳has been doing strange things to my capacity for resentment, and lately I have been having some very different feelings and I’m just wondering if its too late. So many things were going on then that I didn’t even know about. Personal problems that he hid from me for years and if I knew about them then, I think things could have been different, and I may have even been able to help him get through them instead of turning my back on him and essentially the family were attempting to build together…

Ok, I know what your thinking… Lady are you crazy… what doing you think could have possibly changed in that man that wasn’t forged deep within that philandering philanderer 12 years ago? Well, there’s quite a bit actually. First of all my ex-husband and I were high school sweethearts so the two of us have basically known each other since childhood. With those years come many phases, trends, perspectives and choices. All of which were never either one of our strong suits. I watched him blow a full ride to college his senior year because of an injury he incurred while out partying, drunk with friends. I have seen him come through that and put himself through Law School while working a 9 hour construction job during the day and attending Law school at night. I watched this man do this for five years until he finally graduated with a Law degree from CUNY (City University School of Law) in Manhattan, never once having any bit of resentment for having to do it all on his own. Don’t get me wrong, we had each other and supported one another. Always making sure we had whatever we needed to get through THAT DAY, THAT CLASS, THAT TEST. It wasn’t NYU, but he did it. All this while I was waiting tables full time finishing up my own masters degree which at that point, still had no clue what I was going to do with. It was a crazy time and with all the attention and energies focused towards the lives we were trying to make, and helping each other to make them, I guess that’s where our relationship started to slowly drift apart as far as romance, passion, all those other fun things young couples are supposed to have. However, right before he was about to graduate I found I was 3 weeks pregnant. Instead of telling him and piling on even more stress before exams and bar review, I decided to wait until after he got his diploma to tell him anything about a baby neither of us were ready to have. I would tell him after he got his degree and we would decide what we were going to do together. As time went by the window of “choice” that I had in that particular matter started to become smaller and smaller, and if I continued to wait any longer there would be no option, or “choice” for either of us to have and we would be stuck having to make a life for this baby when we were just figuring out a life for ourselves… well, sure enough two days before he graduated I decided to make the decision for him as I was assuming it was the decision any guy would ever hope for, and save him and our relationship the added pressures of young parenthood. I thought I was doing the right thing, taking the pressure off of him, taking one for the team, and that just couldn’t have been further from the truth, or how he felt about it. The truth is… and was, I was only taking the load off MYSELF because of my own selfish predispositions to parenthood (and the lack there of it), and I really wasn’t considering him or what he might have wanted at all… I just kept telling myself I was doing the right thing by not telling him to the point where I just thought it would be stupid to tell him anyway if I already knew I wasn’t going to have the baby. I guess I kept thinking there was a small chance I might have it, but when I made the decision there was no turning back and I had no idea how much it would affect him. He was devastated. He came from a very big Italian family and to him family was everything. Not telling him I was pregnant and that he could possibly be a father was one of the greatest betrayals I could have ever made to him. Family was everything to him and I guess I just came from such a different upbringing and school of thought. His mother would have disowned him if she knew her son chose to not bring a life into this world, and my mother would have probably disowned me if I did. Totally different worlds and I wish I knew then how much this meant to him. I might have made a different choice. During this time and after my abortion we both started to develop a little bit of a drinking habit and as time went on and with his career as a litigator on the rise… his little drinking habit turned into a fully funded, heavily financed cocaine addiction that he literally hid from me and his entire family for years. There would be nights that he was so high, that he felt like he couldn’t even come home because I would know he was high and kick him out or leave him or worse tell his colleagues and ruin his career. So to keep me from knowing the secret he was smoking, some nights and would either sleep underneath his desk at his office or get a hotel… this in turn started to convince me that he was having a full blown affair to the point we both became so distant to each other I don’t think either of us would have noticed it even if he did come home. Years went by like this. No communication, no dialogue, just two people lost in a fog of distrust that was so vague no one could have navigated their way through it. He eventually became a partner at his family’s law firm (sister married an attorney) and he ended up getting a studio apartment Downtown right by the law firm for “LATE NIGHTS AT THE OFFICE”. I got so used to those stupid “work” nights I just started to go numb inside. I knew he was lying to me but I just couldn’t ever get him to tell me the truth. It’s crazy to think that he was doing all of this knowing full well what I was thinking, WHICH WAS SO MUCH WORSE, all because he was ashamed of his addiction. It just breaks my heart to think of how many nights we both spent alone, on opposite sides of the world practically when we never had to. I just thought that he had gotten so brazen with his affairs he didn’t even feel the need to hide them from me anymore. He was spending so much money on what I thought was “gambling” and all these other “things when in actuality he was just making all kinds of dumb expenditure choices and trusting the wrong people because he wasn’t in a clear state of mind. He was loaning money to investors for all sorts of things these hustlers were never going to let him see a return on and I, once again, in turn, just thought it was more bullshit covering up the lies and deciet, and the other women that were being paid to live them. Once again, the insanity of this situation being him. finally actually telling me the truth, only to find me an unwilling participant to playcate any more of his bullsh*t. Anyways it’s just sad and even though I do not believe in regrets, I do wish I could go back in time and help that man that was so lonely and shut off from the entire world including his wife. He has since been remarried, twice, yet still never had any children. We have remained friends through the years and we have both helped each other through some dark times, both self inflicted and imagined. For some reason I still hold some very serious feelings in my heart for this man that I basically grew up with, and honestly I’ll never stop loving him. Even when I thought he was having the affairs, I stayed. I never left. Laying in bed each night, listening to our doorway, mind playing tricks on me hearing noises thinking it was him, hopping it was him, begging for it to be him walking through that door. All the while he was too ashamed and afraid to walk through it and give me back the only thing I ever wanted… and I would have taken him. Crack pipe ‘n all…

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  1. KatApril 24, 2018 at 3:41 am

    Wow what a story , I’m sorry that drugs ruined it all , chin up , tough situation.